Monthly Archives: April 2013

Frustrations Again

Everywhere I go there seems to be a source of frustration. Whether it is at work where I am frustrated by the way J seems to treat me lately, or at home when I think about B and how he treats me and even when I do get a chance to talk to him. And of course the fact that the other job hasnt called me back yet is really frustrating the hell out of me.
And every single time it starts to build up I hear a little voice in my head screaming at me to stop. It tells me that I must let J be because I havent done anything, therefore whatever it is is her problem.
I cant help it though. At one point in time I used to like coming to work because it was the only place away from home were I could find myself at peace somewhat. And in a way, J was a contributor to that to an extent. We soon became friends and I honestly for a moment felt like she was the only adult that saw me as an equal for once in my life. But I guess what changed was I began to trust her, and with that came some personal openess that may have affected her view of me. I wish sometimes I wasnt so willing to open up to people. I think that is what may have strained my relationship with J and I also heavily think is why B treats me the way he does. If I had never admitted to not having dated previously he wouldn’t have gotten so confident and so he would’ve treated me differently. He would’ve worked harder at trying to impress me.
I guess its just my lack of judgement that finds me in these situations. And my first instinct is always to flee. That’s part of the reason why also I want that new job so badly. Its because the one of the few (very few) things that I have left to like about this job feels like it is falling apart and I cant find myself enjoying as much anymore. As I said before, I think the reason is because, rather than letting her figure things out on her own I told her, and in the process I guess a part of me felt she would care. That she would have some sympathy eventhough she kept telling me she is not a very caring person. I should’ve listened before getting my feelings involved and in the process getting them hurt.
So the moral of the story is dont trust people to take care of your emotions if you dont take care of them first and dont let anybody in too much under the foolish belief that it will automatically make you a friend.

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Happiness

This is the thing. As of late I have felt myself really falling into sense and realized a lot of things. Now I often will say “I finally know what I must do to keep myself happy” but then a few days later find myself back in that deppresive state. But I genuinely lately do feel something changing within myself. As if I am finally moving on from my teenage mindset, shedding that negativity and bleak outlook. I can feel God moving in me and pushing me to be a better person.
And it might sound ridiculous to some but at the root of it I have to thank my coworker J and her wisdom she had imparted and because she introduced me to Joel Osteen. I have found that as of late every single broadcast has been directed at me. He has made me realize all the changes I must do in my life in order to become who I am destined to be and most importantly, to be happy. I have found myself changing my focus away from everything (and everyone) that was holding me back and turn it towards myself. Makes me wonder if that might possibly be the reason why I find my situation with B so frustrating now. I am becoming more aware of what I want to be happy rather than be so focused on keeping others happy. Something with which I have struggled with my entire life. I’ve always been the type of person who fears rejection and constantly seeks and yearns approval. But now I am learning that the only approval I need is that of myself and God.
Its still a long road to reach my ultimate goal of total happiness and nor caring about others the way J does, but I am fighting with teeth and nails to get there, and Joel Osteen’s inspirational ministry is pushing and helping me get there. That doesn’t mean the frustrations aren’t still there, but the biggest obstacle right now would be the overthinking and overbearing guilt. But if I continue on this path I am in someday (soon) I will finally get there. I WILL become the person I always dreamed to be and I will live happily despite whatever else is going on around me.

XO Goth


Frustrations

Today I feel like I am reaching my breaking point with B. I am trying to be understanding and I am trying to be patient but its so frustrating that he seems to be putting little to no effort into this relationship. Its getting to the point were this doesn’t even feel like a real relationship anymore. I guess it never really did but my head refused to accept that fact. 

I guess my biggest problem is that I have finally taken off that veil I had over my eyes, the false security of being in a (read:any) relationship and know I realize that I am not getting what I want or would like to get.  I know I owe him a conversation but I am waiting for the right moment. He is emotionally fragile and I don’t want to be the one to tip him over the edge. I wonder though if his actions are also because he feels the same way I do; he just wanted a relationship and now he has it so it doesn’t matter. And the reason it doesn’t matter is because he is so sure that he has me and that he doesn’t have to bend over backwards to keep me because he doesn’t feel I will go anywhere. And that annoys the crap out of me because I want him to make me feel special, to make me feel like I am wanted and desired, and that he has at least an inkling of fear that he could loose me if he doesn’t step up his game.

What am I supposed to think when the stress over his thesis nearly breaks him down and shuts me out in the process to the point where he can’t give me at least one hour of his time totally devoted and invested in the conversation, not half talking to me and half working on his thesis. I am trying to be understanding, but thinking about the future, when I look at that all I see is warning signs. Signs telling me that when the going gets tough he is not going to work it out, he is going to push you out and you are going to be alone handling the regular stresses of life. 

I guess the point of it all is, he is not mature enough yet to take a serious ADULT relationship seriously. To make the sacrifices or the time and devotion that a real relationship demands. I am more than ready to adjust myself to anything he might feel I am shortcoming in (except for the sex, I am more than adamant about that issue, and even more so now) but I wish he would communicate that to me. He needs to communicate. He needs to to be more sympathetic and caring. He needs to grow up.

Hopefully when he comes here next week, I’ll be able to have a reasonable conversation with him about this and that he will understand me and not get offended or upset or attacked by what I need to tell him. I am just fed up with being in a relationship where I feel just as alone as when I am single. 

 

xo Goth

 


Playing the waiting game

Yesterday I went in for my second part of my job interview at the “possible” new job. It was nothing to spectacular for me since, what they asked me to do I pretty much do all the time. For free. So, now they told me they would call me between this week and next week so now its all about waiting to see what happens. I still have conflicting feelings about it. The biggest part of me though really would prefer to move on. Mentally I can already feel myself going forward and just, I am just ready to grow as person. I feel like, on an intellectual and personal level I have gotten out all that I needed out of my current job. Staying there long-term just makes me feel like its stunting my growth. Not to mention the annoyances that come with the fact that I feel like alot of people are starting to belittle me there. Honestly, as much as I would love to get into it, my heart is not in it. I guess its part of me growing up (or at least thats what I call it). I am just letting it go, eventhough I know I shouldn’t always just let things go, but the annoyances that come through…I guess I mostly blame myself, but I can’t help it. And the times when I should be confrontational I am not which I know I should, but I guess that is just my overly niceness in me. I can’t help it. And I don’t want to start that with anybody who will chew me out and spit me out.

That’s my thoughts for the night. I actually got distracted briefly by watching America’s Worst Tattoos and NY Ink lol, so I sort of lost my train of thought. I am so sorry hahaha. Watching these shows really make me want to get a tattoo though. Its on my bucket list. Hopefully someday I’ll go ahead and get a kick-ass tattoo. 🙂


Short and Sweet

You know that awkward moment when you are working on being adult, but then you watch reruns of your favorite childhood cartoon and all you want to do is to revert yourself to a 10 year old you? Surely I can’t be the only one.

I was just watching the Rugrats episode were Phil and Lil suffered from separation anxiety and it made me want to go get my Phil and Lil dolls out of the box in my closet for some reason so I could sleep with them. Is that weird?

How I truly miss those simpler days. But right now I must go to sleep and try to prepare myself (mentally) for the interview tomorrow.XO Goth


New beginnings?

It turns out that Goth got a shocking phone call today. It was one that I totally was not expecting but has some promise in it. I have been called in for a job interview.

Before you get ahead of yourself thinking this is only exciting because I am tired of my current job (which I am not entirely), the place that called me is sort of a big deal. It is one of the most prominent companies were I live and its only taking me….like three years of trying to finally get an interview.
I was so overwhelmed by the fact that this company was calling me that when the lady explained what position I was getting interviewed before was a little confusing. To be honest she sounded like she was too interested in getting me off the phone. I could tell by her annoyance when I kept asking (to be sure) what time the interview was for.

Once I hung up I realized this is a position I had not previously applied for, which to me only means that they pulled my resume from the open file for this position which is pretty exciting considering that my qualifications fall a bit short from what they are asking for. All I can assume is that based on my resume they see potential. And I guessing that the fact that I am fluent in spanish (a requirement) and that I had done my college internship with then helped.

I am going to go to the interview with an open mind, trying not to get too excited since there is always a possibility this is as far as its going to get. But I choose to believe that things are turning around for me. And if this is not the job for me then so bit, but at the very least this has restored some faith in myself.

Xo Goth


Office Frustrations

Being as socially awkward as I find myself to be, I often find myself in these types of situations. Situations in which I feel extremely insecure about myself and my abilities. As hard as I may try to fight those feelings, its extremely difficult to keep them from creeping up. And this is a situation I deal with in pretty much every aspect of my life and not just strictly in my work place.

I just wish I wasn’t so neurotic. As of late there have been days when I’ve felt extremely inadequate simply based on the way one of my co-workers has been treating me. Its not mean or rude or anything like that, but it has been a bit standoffish I guess you could say.

In the past year or so something changed in this place. All of a sudden Boss C decided he was going to become a tyrant and be the be all that ends all. And everybody (or at least my supervisor and by default, everyone else behind her) just followed along with his insane ideas and, well, tyranny when it came to running this place. Boss C was never a common fixture in this place, he has his own office where he takes care of things and everyone was quite content letting Boss A run things. But Boss A is getting old and it has become difficult to take him seriously all the time now that his patience is dwindling and his decisions are starting become more rash than thought through. Regardless, Boss C decided that it was high time to become a thorn on my side, and become a thorn on my side he did. All of sudden he was asking for crazy things that no one ever in the past had asked me for (or were any need for), and as a good hard-working person I complied to make him happy and to prove that I was competent and efficient in what he is paying me to do.

All was….as fine as it could be eventhough he was constantly driving me up the wall, up until the point that every time I saw a certain phone line ring a feeling of dread would take over me because every single time I assumed it was going to be him, and most of the time I was right. But then one day, as is bound to happen in life, I made a mistake. And it was a simple (small) mistake that didn’t have any serious consequences, but he made it his purpose to make me pay for it with blood, sweat and tears.

Since then, because of my demeanor I am assuming, he came to his conclusion that I am still very much child-like and that I am not totally sure of what I am doing, so I am not competent enough to deal with much only bare minimum.  He made it known to everyone and everyone, including myself, followed along with his stipulations on what I am supposed to be handling and what I must let my co-worker deal with exclusively. And he has made that known to others on more than one occasion.

After much grief on my part, my co-worker assured me that the way her and I worked was perfectly fine and that she didn’t really see the need as to why we should let him put a wedge between us and mess up a process that had always been working fine, were she deals with the things I am weak at and I work at the things she is weak at (even though she is not really that weak at what I do, but I guess that doesn’t matter right now.)

But as of late I have been feeling like I am being pushed to the side alot. If she wishes to do the 90% of the work then, I guess that’s up to her and as long as I am still being recognized as part of the team and being paid I am quite fine with that. However, what I am not liking is that I am more and more starting to feel like she sees me more of a hindrance than an asset or a help. She knows what my flaws are and even though she doesn’t usually throw them in my face, it is not uncommon for a little something to be said every now and then lately. And then there is the fact that alot of the stuff she would tell me in the past about what is going on with the company that I wouldn’t usually find out about (again, because of what Boss C decided) she doesn’t tell me anymore. Often I find myself having to ask if I notice something and often the only response I get is bare minimum. I understand that maybe, this is all just information on a need to know basis, and I am quite fine with that until others ask me about situations that happen and I have absolutely no idea of what is going on because she didn’t tell me about it.

She is not a bad person but since Boss C spread his evil ways around this place, despite saying that things wouldn’t change, they have and not just the things that I have accepted would change, which were very basic. The things that have changed are even things that I never thought there was an issue with myself dealing with, but all of a sudden she just deals with it herself which is a little unnerving, especially when its things that once upon a time I used to deal with, and quite effectively, if I should say so myself.

I don’t want to be the type of co-worker that feels like she has to report to me all the time or make her feel like things must always go through me, but at the same time I hate to be the type of coworker that is just….there. I don’t like being idle for long but lately that’s how things are around here. I like to be able to know that I am contributing and that I can help. However, I have been told in the past that I tend to be too overly helpful and that gets on people’s nerves sometimes. I guess I just wish she was an easier person to talk to when it comes to these situations. I don’t like to step on people’s toes and most definitely I don’t like confrontation, especially with someone like her. She is a nice and friendly person and I like talking to her, but I have seen her angry side and its not a side I’ve ever had to really face and I do not wish to ever face it.

xo Goth