Goth and B

The conversations between B and I are constantly becoming more and more mundane and hardly resemble even small-talk. Hardly what you would expect to come from a boyfriend and girlfriend. And these aren’t limited to online chats either sadly.

I strongly believe a big reason why we are becoming distanced is because he is so far away in college and I am stuck here by myself. But then again, I think part of the reason why I think that is because I am trying to fool myself into thinking that this is still working and that the emotional distance is only temporary too.

See, B and I have known each other since we were in the seventh grade. One of my earliest memories of him is that he used to have a HUGE crush on my best friend Tabby. Everyone used to make a big deal out of it, which she hated because she never had feelings for him. It was the usual juvenile teasing by our peers. Other than that I never paid much attention to B, who happened to be going to the same church I did. I was too busy crushing on his older brother D. D was one of the coolest guys I knew (an actual opposite to B, sadly enough for him). But D who was in the 10th grade had absolutely no interest in little me. Actually, quite the opposite since once he found out about my crush (Thanks to my good friend R!) he never failed to poke fun at me or make me feel small for setting my eyes too high. Which actually helped me get over my crush on him, but anyway that’s not the point of this story.

Back to B, in the eight and ninth grade I think B started to develop a bit of a crush on me, but since he is almost as painfully shy as I am, he never acted on it. But regardless, during that time also my family moved into the house next door to his grandparents. It was then that we became friends, making friday nights our official game nights. Most friday nights we’d spend them playing Super Smash Bros on the Gamecube in total silence, except for the noise coming from the TV and the occasional yelp or curse from me. I am what you call a random button pusher when it comes to fighting games lol. Those are some pretty fond memories of B.

So, as we moved through high school, the Friday night battles slowly began to become more scarce as school started to get tougher and the homework and projects began to pile on. Or at least thats what I told myself was the reason. I can’t really think of what the reason really was, although at some point I believe he became interested in Tabby again. Once we started our relationship I would ask him about all of this and he would confess that Tabby was a hard girl for him to forget.

 

I am sure you are curious at this point how our relationship came to be. Well, it actually seems much more complicated than it is. Or maybe its not, maybe that’s just the way I see it. Well, about two years ago, while he was in college, we started chatting again. It wasn’t totally odd since every once in a while during breaks he would come home and us and a few friends would occasionally hang out and we did see each other at church. Not to mention my family was now close with his family since we were neighbors. But two years ago something changed. We began chatting again and he became obviously very interested in having conversations with me, which were actually pretty interesting and nice. We would talk about alot of random things, like our mutual fondness of 90s nick cartoons or my obsession with Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice. Eventually he started to open up to me about deeper things, like his fears and his true feelings about his obnoxious roommate. It was night and we became close and eventually one night, a week before he was due to come home for a break he asked me out on a date.

At the time I was very excited to go but at the same time a little confused. By the time he asked me out he had pretty much tried to date everyone within my circle of friends. R claimed that he had tried to kiss her in the past (something that I find hard to believe given his character and the fact that R is known to dramatize things). B had also asked my sister out twice before, which she turned him down. And we can’t forget the fiasco of him dating an acquaintance of mine whom allegedly left B a mess. It was only before time she played around with him, that’s just the type of person she is.

Obviously you can see my confusion or hesitance rather. I had accepted, but even from the beginning I wondered about what motivated me. A part of me felt like the kid who gets picked last in P.E. class. He had failed with all the other girls so I was his last shot. Tabby told me not to think of it that way and that maybe he just couldn’t see a good thing that was in front of hi until now. I liked her reasoning, but what if he thought of me the same way I did when I said yes to him?

YEs I will admit, I was a little desperate because up until then I had only ever had a couple of guys interested in me that way and therefore never had a boyfriend before. Or kissed anyone. Or been on an actual date even. Since its so hard for me to meet guys (and at 25 it was about time I at least dated someone) I figured giving B a shot was worth it. After all as one point I had a very slight crush on him, right? And we had always been good friends, why wouldn’t it work? And actually at first everything went really well. I was surprised by the amount of butterflies and chills I would feel when we would be together. It was nice.

But that was it. For while it was nice, but as we grew more attached I began to wonder where was this headed. But I loved hanging out with him, being around him, and since he was on work study at home, all I cared about is that I would get to see him and we would hang out and kiss and stuff. But we were starting to fall into a routine. Which was fine at first because I didn’t want things to move too fast until I was absolutely ready.

But then college time came again, and there he went. And that’s it. Nowadays I don’t even look forward to our daily chats because I know nothing much is gonna be said except for maybe little cutsey nothings with no meaning and very little actual talking. The constant requests for video chats that he would’ve send two years ago have slowly come to a stop unless I ask for them and there are absolutely no phone calls at all. I don’t fully blame him, I know this is his senior year and he needs to focus and has alot of work, but I can’t help feel a little neglected. And the sad part is that B seems completely comfortable with this but I am not. And it kills me that I can’t tell him.

Also, I thought I kinda loved him. The kind of love where at the beginning its so small you hardly feel it but know it will grow into something wonderful, but now I am not sure I even feel that and I feel terrible for it. I keep telling myself once life slows down for him he will become the boyfriend you would like him to be, but I am not so sure. I think he is too over-confident in that he’s got me that I am afraid he is never going to try to make me fall in love with him. Another thing that scares me alot is what people will say or how my or his family would react if I broke up with him. At the bottom of my heart, I don’t want to break it off with B, but I often questions my motives for feeling that way. I do want to get married, that is a big dream of mine, but B and I are too alike in personality, I don’t know if us together we’d survive. I honestly don’t. We each need people who are strong than us, who would protect us. And I don’t want to end up marrying B because he loves me and I am fooling myself into thinking I’ll grow to love him and then become dissatisfied with one more aspect of my life. And of course that would in turn probably turn me into the type of mom that I don’t want to be.

I am sure if I was anybody else, they would have let B go long time. I am just holding on a little longer for him to get back. I want to have an open and honest conversation with him because I am not ready to give up on him quite yet. I just hope that my lack of interest as of late to push the conversation as well isn’t the display of the underlying reason of why we shouldn’t be holding on.

 

xo Goth

 

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