Being as socially awkward as I find myself to be, I often find myself in these types of situations. Situations in which I feel extremely insecure about myself and my abilities. As hard as I may try to fight those feelings, its extremely difficult to keep them from creeping up. And this is a situation I deal with in pretty much every aspect of my life and not just strictly in my work place.
I just wish I wasn’t so neurotic. As of late there have been days when I’ve felt extremely inadequate simply based on the way one of my co-workers has been treating me. Its not mean or rude or anything like that, but it has been a bit standoffish I guess you could say.
In the past year or so something changed in this place. All of a sudden Boss C decided he was going to become a tyrant and be the be all that ends all. And everybody (or at least my supervisor and by default, everyone else behind her) just followed along with his insane ideas and, well, tyranny when it came to running this place. Boss C was never a common fixture in this place, he has his own office where he takes care of things and everyone was quite content letting Boss A run things. But Boss A is getting old and it has become difficult to take him seriously all the time now that his patience is dwindling and his decisions are starting become more rash than thought through. Regardless, Boss C decided that it was high time to become a thorn on my side, and become a thorn on my side he did. All of sudden he was asking for crazy things that no one ever in the past had asked me for (or were any need for), and as a good hard-working person I complied to make him happy and to prove that I was competent and efficient in what he is paying me to do.
All was….as fine as it could be eventhough he was constantly driving me up the wall, up until the point that every time I saw a certain phone line ring a feeling of dread would take over me because every single time I assumed it was going to be him, and most of the time I was right. But then one day, as is bound to happen in life, I made a mistake. And it was a simple (small) mistake that didn’t have any serious consequences, but he made it his purpose to make me pay for it with blood, sweat and tears.
Since then, because of my demeanor I am assuming, he came to his conclusion that I am still very much child-like and that I am not totally sure of what I am doing, so I am not competent enough to deal with much only bare minimum. He made it known to everyone and everyone, including myself, followed along with his stipulations on what I am supposed to be handling and what I must let my co-worker deal with exclusively. And he has made that known to others on more than one occasion.
After much grief on my part, my co-worker assured me that the way her and I worked was perfectly fine and that she didn’t really see the need as to why we should let him put a wedge between us and mess up a process that had always been working fine, were she deals with the things I am weak at and I work at the things she is weak at (even though she is not really that weak at what I do, but I guess that doesn’t matter right now.)
But as of late I have been feeling like I am being pushed to the side alot. If she wishes to do the 90% of the work then, I guess that’s up to her and as long as I am still being recognized as part of the team and being paid I am quite fine with that. However, what I am not liking is that I am more and more starting to feel like she sees me more of a hindrance than an asset or a help. She knows what my flaws are and even though she doesn’t usually throw them in my face, it is not uncommon for a little something to be said every now and then lately. And then there is the fact that alot of the stuff she would tell me in the past about what is going on with the company that I wouldn’t usually find out about (again, because of what Boss C decided) she doesn’t tell me anymore. Often I find myself having to ask if I notice something and often the only response I get is bare minimum. I understand that maybe, this is all just information on a need to know basis, and I am quite fine with that until others ask me about situations that happen and I have absolutely no idea of what is going on because she didn’t tell me about it.
She is not a bad person but since Boss C spread his evil ways around this place, despite saying that things wouldn’t change, they have and not just the things that I have accepted would change, which were very basic. The things that have changed are even things that I never thought there was an issue with myself dealing with, but all of a sudden she just deals with it herself which is a little unnerving, especially when its things that once upon a time I used to deal with, and quite effectively, if I should say so myself.
I don’t want to be the type of co-worker that feels like she has to report to me all the time or make her feel like things must always go through me, but at the same time I hate to be the type of coworker that is just….there. I don’t like being idle for long but lately that’s how things are around here. I like to be able to know that I am contributing and that I can help. However, I have been told in the past that I tend to be too overly helpful and that gets on people’s nerves sometimes. I guess I just wish she was an easier person to talk to when it comes to these situations. I don’t like to step on people’s toes and most definitely I don’t like confrontation, especially with someone like her. She is a nice and friendly person and I like talking to her, but I have seen her angry side and its not a side I’ve ever had to really face and I do not wish to ever face it.