Today I feel like I am reaching my breaking point with B. I am trying to be understanding and I am trying to be patient but its so frustrating that he seems to be putting little to no effort into this relationship. Its getting to the point were this doesn’t even feel like a real relationship anymore. I guess it never really did but my head refused to accept that fact. 

I guess my biggest problem is that I have finally taken off that veil I had over my eyes, the false security of being in a (read:any) relationship and know I realize that I am not getting what I want or would like to get.  I know I owe him a conversation but I am waiting for the right moment. He is emotionally fragile and I don’t want to be the one to tip him over the edge. I wonder though if his actions are also because he feels the same way I do; he just wanted a relationship and now he has it so it doesn’t matter. And the reason it doesn’t matter is because he is so sure that he has me and that he doesn’t have to bend over backwards to keep me because he doesn’t feel I will go anywhere. And that annoys the crap out of me because I want him to make me feel special, to make me feel like I am wanted and desired, and that he has at least an inkling of fear that he could loose me if he doesn’t step up his game.

What am I supposed to think when the stress over his thesis nearly breaks him down and shuts me out in the process to the point where he can’t give me at least one hour of his time totally devoted and invested in the conversation, not half talking to me and half working on his thesis. I am trying to be understanding, but thinking about the future, when I look at that all I see is warning signs. Signs telling me that when the going gets tough he is not going to work it out, he is going to push you out and you are going to be alone handling the regular stresses of life. 

I guess the point of it all is, he is not mature enough yet to take a serious ADULT relationship seriously. To make the sacrifices or the time and devotion that a real relationship demands. I am more than ready to adjust myself to anything he might feel I am shortcoming in (except for the sex, I am more than adamant about that issue, and even more so now) but I wish he would communicate that to me. He needs to communicate. He needs to to be more sympathetic and caring. He needs to grow up.

Hopefully when he comes here next week, I’ll be able to have a reasonable conversation with him about this and that he will understand me and not get offended or upset or attacked by what I need to tell him. I am just fed up with being in a relationship where I feel just as alone as when I am single. 


xo Goth



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