This is the thing. As of late I have felt myself really falling into sense and realized a lot of things. Now I often will say “I finally know what I must do to keep myself happy” but then a few days later find myself back in that deppresive state. But I genuinely lately do feel something changing within myself. As if I am finally moving on from my teenage mindset, shedding that negativity and bleak outlook. I can feel God moving in me and pushing me to be a better person.
And it might sound ridiculous to some but at the root of it I have to thank my coworker J and her wisdom she had imparted and because she introduced me to Joel Osteen. I have found that as of late every single broadcast has been directed at me. He has made me realize all the changes I must do in my life in order to become who I am destined to be and most importantly, to be happy. I have found myself changing my focus away from everything (and everyone) that was holding me back and turn it towards myself. Makes me wonder if that might possibly be the reason why I find my situation with B so frustrating now. I am becoming more aware of what I want to be happy rather than be so focused on keeping others happy. Something with which I have struggled with my entire life. I’ve always been the type of person who fears rejection and constantly seeks and yearns approval. But now I am learning that the only approval I need is that of myself and God.
Its still a long road to reach my ultimate goal of total happiness and nor caring about others the way J does, but I am fighting with teeth and nails to get there, and Joel Osteen’s inspirational ministry is pushing and helping me get there. That doesn’t mean the frustrations aren’t still there, but the biggest obstacle right now would be the overthinking and overbearing guilt. But if I continue on this path I am in someday (soon) I will finally get there. I WILL become the person I always dreamed to be and I will live happily despite whatever else is going on around me.

XO Goth


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