Sometimes its OK to delete stuff

All week I was working on a draft for a post. It was just mostly venting and the usual. I had to keep stopping  because it makes me self-conscious to work on my blog in public, especially if its to rant about someone or something. Yesterday morning as I was working on it for the umpteenth time, I was once again interrupted. And it was at that moment that I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and rant and rave in silence and I confronted one thing that had been bothering me for a few weeks now.

Now, I can’t say the resolution was entirely favorable for me, but at least it gave me an opportunity to air some feelings that were slowly eating away at my insides. Alas, once again it was a small step, but a step none-the-less. I’ve always known that I hold that power over my life, that I have the same right everyone else does to speak up for myself, I just always pick the easy road of suffering in silence. Of course because I did it, that meant that my draft was now null and I had no real emotional need for it anymore.

Yes, I could’ve kept working on it and finish it off and post it, but what is the point? I am sure some day I will be ranting about the same thing, but for now I rather just delete and move on. J says she feels like it was God’s doing that L ended up being “fired” and that I was put next to her because I needed someone like her in my life to show me that the way I was living before was not conducive to an appropriate adult life. I believe she is right and I guess in a way I always have, eventhough sometimes I have feared that I let her into my personal life too much. But its all her talking to me (amongst other things) that have made me realize what I need to do. Unfortunately, I can’t change people’s perceptions of me as easily as I would like and therefore it is a constant work in progress to get the respect and acknowledgement I deserve.

And that is why, as uncomfortable as it made, I decided to speak up and tell J about something about her that had been bothering me for a while. Eventhough I think her reaction was just left over frustration over the subject at hand,  I still feared she was upset, but I believe her when she says she wasn’t and its just a constant source of frustration that was bothering her. Again, I have to say that I was really angry when she gave me her reasons for being frustrated, but I don’t blame her for feeling that way because I know within myself her reasons are more than valid. All I can do now is try to work on things and hope for the best. But at least for once I stayed strong enough not to cry over it and I SAID something. That right there was my little victory. I hope to have many more little victories.

 

xo Goth

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