Some days I actually think to myself and wonder if its really worth trying to fight or even eat anymore. More so than upset or sad, I just generally feel frustrated. And as hard as I try not to feel that way, I still do and in turn that makes me feel more frustrated. Mostly because I don’t want to be that type of person. I don’t want to be the person that walks around with an unspecified grudge towards a world that honestly hasn’t done anything against me. I want to be the type of person that people enjoy being with, that people look forward to seeing and that they can point at on the street and say “I wish I could be as happy as she does”. But its so not easy. For me, its so much easier to hold on to the things that hurt me. And even worse, I being my own worst critic, I am constantly very hard on myself and drag myself through the dirt to justify why the world can be mean and ridiculous, even though I know fully well that the world is that way by nature. But try telling my heart and my feelings that. My heart seems to be stubborn into learning how to cope without getting hurt in the process.
J keeps telling me that she has noticed some change in me in that I have shed alot of that negativity that seemed to plague me when I first started to work here. I honestly, especially as of late, can’t see how that has happened. My mindset is not as one-track minded as it used to be, that I have noticed, but otherwise, I don’t know. I don’t understand why is it I can’t see something positive about myself to uplift myself. And my constant need for praise and acceptance from others (to make up for my lack of self-esteem) is sickening even to me. Often I sit back and think about how people around me, especially people I care about enough to open up to them, must think of me as a weight or a drag that is bringing them down because I can’t get my shit together or at least appear like I have my shit together. I don’t like that, but I also don’t like not being able to express my needs to them in the hopes that they might be able to shed some light or give me a good piece of advice.
If I could just get rid of this nervousness and unsettled mind, I am sure I wouldn’t feel as if life is constantly trying to put me through the wringer over nothing. That’s the worst part, feeling so alone and so inadequate when essentially nothing is wrong at all. And sometimes, trying to vent in any arena doesn’t seem to do much to ease the pain a little. Only the brief lapses of comfort or “happiness” seem to do that. I hope some day I will learn to harness on to them and finally feel like a whole person.