Musings

So, there are a couple of things I’ve come to realize this past week. J has been on vacation for a week and a half, which meant that I had the office to myself (more or less). While the thought of being left alone was very daunting, especially with all the extra responsibility given to me as of late (although I have yet to be appropriately paid for, but more on that at a later date), I have had alot of time with my thoughts.

First of all, yes at times I did get stressed, and yes when I got stressed I did some questionable things that may or may not affect J in some way. And I’ve had the emotional breakdown to show for it. It is weakeness at its best, but never the less its done and over and I can’t change the past. In some way, I did do what I always hate doing and what J always tells me off about that I need to change about myself. I don’t like it and I know it, but it is who I am. As much as I try to perfect myself, some things are harder to change than others. Maybe they aren’t. I am not totally sure, because I think I did take some thinking before making a decision I would ordinarily just jump and “make” no questions asked. 

But that is pretty much where the thinking began. In the midst of this stressful week, a blog I follow decided to have an open thread with Anxiety as the topic. As it may be evident by this blog, I suffer with some level of anxiety on a daily basis. I mostly believe my anxiety spawns from my low self-esteem, and in turn my anxiety causes my self-esteem to plummet because I feel so awkward and useless. Anyway, in the thread I let loose on what was troubling my mind, in terms of J mostly. Because I CHOOSE to believe she won’t get angry, but a part of me feels there is a chance she will. Especially if the supervisor approaches her on it. Needless to say, that was enough to make me loose it a little bit inside. I hate getting people in trouble.

However, the wonderful people on that blog made me realize even more what T was trying to tell me all along. Even though J means well by what she says when she tries to ‘help’, her way of helping by telling me what is wrong with me and why its wrong is also a tad bit damaging. Its like she is doing the exact same thing my mother has, which is criticize me to the core, the only difference being that she does it in a way that is more honest and truthful but open-minded, were as my mom’s way is to further stifle me into being the person she wants me to be, and not the person I could be. I do understand that J only says most of those things because I ask her too, which in retrospect was my fatal mistake. To confuse our working together as actual friendship. Not that I wouldn’t want her as a friend, I just don’t think she would consider me as one. And that is totally fine, now that I think of it. Why?

Because now I realize that she is just adding fuel to my fire of self-pity and awkwardness when she actually thinks she is taking away. And yes, the tough-love thing can be effective, but only to a point. Because she has never had a problem with her self-esteem or anxiety, I don’t think she can fully comprehend how difficult it is for me to hear the voices in my head be echoed by people around me. Even when I am mentally trying to change my mind-set, to work harder to being a “properly” functioning human being, she tells me she can’t see it and calls me unpredictable and careless. My mind already knows all of that. Hence is why I am trying to change, not because I think I need to be perfect but because I believe there can be a better version of myself. Who knows, maybe it is perfectionism, but what is wrong with some of that? AS much as she wouldn’t admit it, she is a bit of a perfectionist herself. She insists she too makes mistakes and forgets things from time to time, but then she wants to highlight mine as being so much worse, which only comes out sounding like she thinks she is perfect and she is the only one that can do things properly around here. And there is no shortage of persons who believe her to be a little on the special side anyway.

 

But anyway, this post is not entirely supposed to be about ranting about J. I don’t particularly like the feelings I have towards her right now, but at the same time it was about time I realized how not entirely helpful she is. And I realized that in good time, because I was pretty much headed down a familiar road of putting too much focus and worth into somebody who wouldn’t do half of the same for me. The wonderful people in the Captain Awkward blog helped remind me once again that I don’t have to be what everyone expects me to be or to be who I always erroneously thought I was. I have been feeling dangerously close to being depressed again and its a feeling a thoroughly hate. My more positive mindset was starting to dissipate and for what? Because I made some mistakes? Because people around me only expect me to be mediocre? Because no one can see me as an adult and insist on seeing a child when they look at me? None of that is my fault. Mistakes can be avoided once one learns to execute tasks differently, hence is why all week I have been trying to re-organize my desk and why I have become more strict on myself about making it a habit to write everything I need to do down. My best bet is to try my best. I can’t do anything beyond that, and if even when I try people still think poorly of me or get the impression that I am anything less than intelligent, then that is their problem. 

I am not entirely confident in who I am and that is something that has taken me a lifetime to work at, but I know one thing and that is that I am worth alot more than what most people give me credit for. And who knows, maybe what Pastor Osteen says is true, and I am only fighting through this stigma to come out on the other side victorious.

 

xo Goth

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