I cant hold people responsible for my feelings. I also know that my mistakes can change things in a way that will forever remain changed and will never go back to being the same. However knowing that, it bothers me so much to realize that J thinks I am now so incompetent. That she now feels like she cant trust that I would know better now, having learnt from my mistakes. And thing is, I don’t blame her because she isn’t wrong in thinking that. I just cant understand why all of a I am such an incompetent little shit that never does anything right, but in the past I was passable on my abilities. Knowing where she is coming from doesn’t take anything away from the sting or pain it causes me when she says it out loud or acts in that way that suggests what her mouth is not saying. But I still somewhat feel as if she could try again. I know its not easy for everybody to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I have come to learn she is one of those that live by the saying ‘once between, twice shy.’ But its never too late to try.
I have no idea how my life has come to feeling like its spiraling out of control. It makes absolutely no sense. Why was it that three years ago, when I first started, everything was going fine and people could trust me? Better yet, why is it that back then I could trust myself and things weren’t as daunting? If everybody makes mistakes in all aspects of life, why does it feel like I have to pay for mines in ways that only results in torture to my self esteem and my semblance of sanity?
Trying to become a more positive person has proven to be an incredibly difficult task. I just have grown up thinking and feeling so differently that, being positive about myself is a foreign concept to me. And what makes it harder is that, as much as I dig and search within myself for something to hold on to that can give me at least some reassurance that I have something valuable and special, I cant find it. Even things that I am supposed to be good at I am not. I mean, for goodness sake, I can’t even keep myself from falling back into the ditch of despair over and over again. That’s the least thing I could do for myself and I cant even do that right.
I know few of the people I have confided my constant battle with myself with insist I should probably talk to a professional, but whats the point? Only thing that is going to achieve is proof to everyone that I cant even handle myself. And although most can see right through the facade, I rather try to pretend nothing is wrong. I don’t know. I am just so conflicted about it.